WHERE YOU AT, TOM? I DON’T HAVE FRIENDS ANYMORE.

I miss MySpace in a big way. Remember whateverlife.com? We were actually coding and creating dope little places to call our own while still maintaining outside relationships (because how else would I call you out for not having me on your top 8, KELLE?!) and it was a BEAUTIFUL time. Then Mark Zuckerberg, Dante’s candidate for the ninth circle of Hell, had to come along with his pervert website for rating girls and RUIN EVERYTHING.

And while the internet is inundated with self-absorbency, lets go back to its roots: the MySpace survey. These bad boys were questionnaire confessionals and they were the shit. Before YouTube and vlogging and tweeting cryptic “song lyrics” about how your boyfriend is a piece of dog turd, MySpace surveys were the way to let everyone know all the shit we put out there nonchalantly today. In honor of #ThrowbackThursday, behold, a survey with answers about my favorite topic: ME.

1. Last beverage:

Warm Diet Pepsi. Mmm.

2. Last phone call:

What is a phone call? Ew. Text me or nothing.

3. Last song you listened to:

Dreams by Fleetwood Mac because it was in a horse video my sister sent me.

4. Last time you cried:

Honestly, maybe an hour ago. I cry all the time.

5. Have you dated someone twice:

A better question would be: have you NOT dated someone twice?

6. Have you ever been cheated on:

I guess. But for real, homie cheated on himself. Dumb. Goodbye FOREVER.

7. Kissed someone & regretted it:

Le duh. I mean, cool, it was a learning experience and blah blah blah. But sometimes I’m like damn, I’m prime real estate and I let a dog shit in my yard. Do you get what I’m saying? That homie gets to tell people he kissed you and NOT be a liar?! THAT’S SHITTY.

8. Have you lost someone special:

Too many times.

9. What are your three favorite colors:

Green, blue, and pink. In that order.

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month:

Maybe?

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list:

Mhm.

12. How many kids do you want:

Zero. Much to my mother’s dismay.

13. Do you want any pets:

All the pets.

14. Do you want to change your name:

I really want people to call me “King” but they refuse. I just tell the baristas that my name is King and its fulfilling enough, I guess.

15. What did you do for your last birthday:

Legit, I babysat. I also had Thai food.

16. What time did you wake up today:

Its in the past. Shh.

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for:

When I go to the store tomorrow and buy a nail clipper because my pinky toe is sprouted a damn tree or something.

18. Last time you saw your mother:

A few hours ago.

19. Most visited webpage:

Pinterest. Or Tumblr. I’m secretly 15.

20. Nicknames:

Jazzy. King. Jaz. All Powerful and Mighty King Jasmine.

21. Relationship status:

Wouldn’t you like to know?

22. Zodiac sign:

Taurus.

23. Male or female:

FER WHAT. GENDER IS FLUID, BRUH. ITS 2018. I IDENTIFY AS A CIS FEMALE. I actually don’t know if that’s right.

24. Height:

5’9”

25. Do you have a crush on someone:

I have multiple crushes.

26. Piercings:

Babies crying on airplanes. Babies yelling in stores. Babies in general. Other than that, my ears.

27. Tattoos:

Nah.

28. Strong or Weak:

Is this about coffee? Weak, bruh. So weak.

FIRSTS

29. First surgery:

Wisdom teeth. HAHAHHA, lame.

30. First best friend:

Carolyn Hutchinson. She was dope.

31. First sport you joined:

Basketball.

32. First vacation:

Big families don’t go on vacations unless they’re rich. Rich people usually don’t have big families.

33. First school:

St. Mark’s Pre School.

34. First pair of trainers:

Probably Sketchers or something.

WHICH IS BETTER

35. Lips or eyes:

To eat? Eyes.

36. Hugs or kisses:

Hugs. Like, the white chocolate Hershey things.

37. Shorter or taller:

Taller. Oh my goodness.

38. Older or younger:

As long as it isn’t weird or illegal, none of this matters.

39. Romantic or spontaneous:

Why not both?

40. Sensitive or loud:

Why not both?

41. Hook-up or relationship:

Neither.

42. Shy or outgoing:

I don’t know if these questions are about me. I’m regretting this survey.

HAVE YOU EVER

43. Kissed a stranger:

Hell to the no. That’s how you get herpes. Also from boys who have kissed lots of girls… and yeah, I’ve kissed a few of those. Gross.

44. Gotten a speeding ticket:

No.

45. Lost glasses/contacts:

All the time.

46. Sex on first date:

Again with this shit. Hell no.

47. Broken someone’s heart:

Not sure. Probably not. I had always wished I’d be like Jane from “Songs About Jane” but I’d rather have my heart put through a blender than pay anyone an ounce of heartbreak.

48. Been arrested:
No

49. Have you turned someone down:

Yes. Thank God.

50. Fallen for a friend:

Only one. He is not my friend anymore. Sad.

51. Moved out of town:

Yes, yes, yes. I’ve moved out of many towns.

All right, I’m bored of this. There were 100 more questions but WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT? I guess in the decade or so since I last logged off MySpace, my attention span has become shorter. I also have gray hair and wrinkles. But guess what? My middle school boyfriend STILL doesn’t talk to me.

Come back, MySpace. I miss you.

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