The other day, I mistakenly stumbled upon a comment that BOGGED ME TF DOWN. Not going to lie, I was upset for a couple days. Now, I’m a firm believer in the whole idea of “what people think about you is none of your business” but with all the channels for slack jaws and assholes to express themselves these days (when they used to just talk shit behind your back or yell at a TV screen while downing beers), its hard not to run into some negative commentary. But its 2018, baby, the year of US, and I want nothing but the best for us, so I’ve compiled a list of people we aren’t dealing with. Behold…
THE SHITBAGS WE AREN’T DEALING WITH IN 2018
1. Internet Trolls
These grody, internally upset humans always seem to find a way to sneak in and ruin your day. I’ll pray for y’all but catch this block. I don’t need to scroll through Instagram or Facebook and feel shitty about my existence (I CAN DO THAT WITHOUT THE HELP OF A SOCIAL NETWORK, THX) nor do I need to read the awful, nasty things people who do not care about me think. I’m the most sensitive person alive and I come three inches from quitting my job when I’m subjected to the trauma-inducing shit people say online. MMM, BYE! (And if you hate me and my existence SO MUCH, why don’t you block me first?)
2. High School Reunioners
I haven’t reached the milestone to where a high school reunion would be necessary (and with social media now – WILL I EVER?! I HOPE NOT.), so when I run into these people at the grocery store or mall or whatever hole I find myself in when I painstakingly have to spend days or weeks in my hometown, there is nothing I want to do more than literally melt into the floor and slither away. Memory Lane is closed. I’m not about to reminisce about the stupid shit I did in high school or the one time I cried over a boy in the hallway or how I once period bled all over a chair in Alaska Studies. I don’t owe you a conversation just because we LEGALLY had to spend 6.5 hours a day together in the same building five times a week. LOL, FELLOW SCHOOLMATE, I HAVE WRINKLES NOW, PLEASE GET AWAY. See you at the 10 year. (Psyche. I’m not going.)
Local or federal. They’re all liars. And gross. Except Elizabeth Warren. I love you.
4. Self-Proclaimed Dietitians
Look, you can only tell me what my diet should consist of if you’re my physician and one of the many blessings of not having health insurance (thanks, America!) is that I DON’T HAVE A PHYSICIAN, so I know you’re definitely not her! Never again do I want to hear, “should you be eating that?” when I put the sweet nectar of nacho cheese against my lips nor do I want to hear that the kombucha at Whole Foods is really good and I’m just not cultured or whatever. Life is short. Mind your business. Let people eat what they want because the consequence is theirs. If you like kale chips and acai harvested from Jillian Michaels’ asshole, that’s your life! Leave people alone. We don’t need that shit.
5. Sizer Uppers
I’m done answering questions that do not need answers. No one likes being sized up and fielding questions as to who you’re dating, what you’re doing, where you went for undergrad IS FUCKING EXHAUSTING. You’ve already made up your mind to not respect me by degrading me with these wack questions in the first place. If you’re not talking from a place of concern, get up out my grill, homie. I don’t need to be where you think I should be!
6. ANYONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL LESS THAN THE GREATNESS THAT YOU ARE
Life is hard, ok? Life is very hard. And none of us asked for it. We were just born into it and have to deal with it.
I realize that detouring away from anyone who makes you feel less than the greatness you are is a difficult and daunting task because ALL OF US have to deal with shitbags IRL, but lets try to avoid them where we can. This means, but is not limited to: dudes who make you feel guilty for rejecting them, anyone who has anything to say about your weight, and that cousin who wears a “Make America Great Again” hat and tries (but FAILS) to make you look stupid in front of your family. CUT ‘EM OFF. HEAD NOD AND DIP OUT.
It’s 2018. We don’t need that shit. LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE, BABY, AND CUT OUT THE REST.