Sighs are filling up the air and I can feel myself getting bad again. How do I live in the present? How do I live in the moment? I miss 17. That girl was so carefree and yet, still  on top of the world. I miss her.
I walked to Bronte Beach today. The winds were mean but they kept the bugs away, allowing me to enjoy the walk without swatting the air every three feet. My nook up in the rocks was being abused by surf and the bodies that usually sprawled the sand decided to stay home. I didn’t. I had to get out because I can feel myself getting bad again.
After sitting at Bronte, wasting my cell phone battery on someone who isn’t worth the effort it takes to charge it, I walked with the gusts to Bondi, the wind picking my body up and putting me down. It made me feel fast. I’m not fast anymore.
I took the bus back to my apartment. Well, only halfway… because it broke down… and we all had to walk. I decided to slip into a nail salon and get my shellac redone. It was filthy by American standards but surprisingly busy. I miss the comfort of a nail technician being nice. I miss the FDA.
Walking in the door of my apartment, I was greeted by the tiny dog my landlord owns. This usually gets me to crack a smile, but not today.
I wish I could turn this off and keep it off. I don’t want the lows anymore. I never did. People always chirp on about how you need the lows to appreciate the highs, but my lows make me question the highs. Were they real? Did I deserve them?
I have castings tomorrow so I’m laying in bed. It has been two weeks since I had a casting. With no comp cards in hand, I wonder how this will go, but I have faith. I need money. I NEED money. Fuck, I’m sad and I need money. Is this the dream? Can I wake up? Someone, pinch me.

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